Picking Up the Pieces

It is hard to explain all the emotions one feels while on this journey of adoption. I guess you can describe it as a roller coaster of emotions. Unless you have been though this process, it is difficult for many to understand all the highs and lows we have experienced on our journey to bring a child into our family. Right now we are at a low. Probably one of the lowest we have been. On March 25th we got the call that we had a referral. We were beyond ecstatic! Then we were told to look carefully at all his medical records, as he has some medical needs. We spent the weekend studying the referral and doing our research. Still elated to FINALLY be here! Then on Monday it all started to unravel. We talked to two Ecuadorian doctors, both pointing out more medical complications and concerns then we were able to picked up from the reports. On Wednesday we had a visit with a local pediatrician. She went through the reports, explaining all the medical terminology and her thoughts. She did not seem that concerned until it came up in the conversation that we were not initially looking to adopt a child with special needs. There were a lot of red flags that this child would need extensive medical care and there was a high probability that he could have a sever life long disability. I have sent days crying as we tried to decided what we were going to do. We finally had to make the heart wrenching decision that this referral was not a good match for our family. We decided in the beginning of this process what we believed we were ready to handle as parents. Unfortunately that has not changed and it was extremely disappointing that the Ecuadorian adoption council, knowing this information, did not take that into account when giving us the referral. Through this whole process I have tried to be strong, tried to stay positive. But as time goes on it becomes harder and harder. Adoption is not for the weak hearted. I am not sure how to exactly recover from this. We have spent almost four years trying to have a child. Each time we suffer a set back, its like the same emotional wound get torn open. Just when you feel like you are healing....it happens again and again. This emotional wound is by far the worst. It has left me heart broken. And I am not sure if I can pick up all the pieces this time. As for what's next...We have no idea. All we can do right now is pray...pray to receive another referral and pray that this little boy will find his forever family to go home to.