The Parallels

Since Giovanni and I decided to partake on this adoption journey I have been reading anything I can get my hands on pertaining to adoption. Books, websites, blogs, research articles, forums, magazines...you name it, I'm trying to read it. They are all about the risks, attachment, best parenting practices, honoring birth parents, Lifebooks, challenges etc. etc. And I am sure that this choice in reading material will continue for a very long time.

I just finished an amazing book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed by Sherrie Eldridge. Sherrie is well known in the adoption world and a great contributor. She herself is adopted and provides parents of adoptees great insight. This is the second book I have read of hers and I have attended webinars where she has been the guest speaker. Much of what she writes about speaks to me but something about a section I recently read really hit the nail on the head sort of speak. I though I would share.

Sherrie was explaining how bring a child into your family through adoption could in some ways be likened to physical conception, labor, birth, and delivery. She calls it The Parallels of Physical Birth and Adoption. She explains it as the child being Conceived Again in Your Hearts, Labored Continually through Challenging Circumstances, Birthed at Last into Our Lives, and Carried Always in your Heart. The section that really spoke to me was Labored Continually through Challenging Circumstances. This is what she wrote:

Just as women experience incredible pain during birth, some parents experience great pain during the process of adoption. You may be ready for delivery of your child, but the birth mother changes her mind at the last minute. That's adoption labor.

You may have spent hours on a bumpy train to Ukraine to get your baby, or months and years waiting for your foster child to become legally free for adoption. That's adoption labor.

Perhaps you had to wait, wait, wait, for the red tape to be unraveled or for the hearing for the finalization process to be scheduled. That's adoption labor.

You may have listened to a social worker detail the horrific abuse your child has endured. That's adoption labor.

One parent learned that the birth mother of her child had been raped. Devastated by the news, she wondered if and how she should tell her child. That's adoption labor.

At times the pain can be so great that you want to scream, "Why do we have to go through this scrutiny? All we want is to provide a good home for a child who needs one. Biological parents don't have to go through this. Why do we? The home studies, the red tape, the legalities. When will it ever end?" That's adoption labor.

Your labor pains may become more intense as you attend friends' baby showers and there you are, still waiting. That's adoption labor.

You may feel intense pain, like the mother with three special needs children all under the age of three, when her friend begged her to adopt a severely hurting baby. The thought of raising a child with prenatal exposure to alcohol and cocaine, plus a missing hand, was more than she could fathom. Her husband "negotiated" with her for a month and she entered adoption with her feet dragging. That's adoption labor.

You have gone through so much to bring your children home, Your pain is just as intense as that of a woman giving birth, possibly more so. But society at large doesn't acknowledge this pain unless you're a movie star or your story is sensational enough to merit coverage by a local television show. "Why give a baby shower or bring in meals? After all, you got your child the easy way." Isn't this what many of you have experiences from our uneducated society?

Oh, yes, you do have hard labor, but joy comes after intense adoption labor, when you bring your child home.